Shutter Sputter

Beloved Creature

2012-02-12T13:36:00.001-08:00

Zee was a furry friend who came to us late in life.
We taught her to love without fear, and she taught us that nothing is impossible when love is involved.
She taught us to be diligent about putting the food away, and to clip her damn claws!
She taught us that you can be completely relaxed and without fear in your own home.
We taught her to use the damn catbox, and any 'out of box' experiences will result in dwelling in the horror that is 'outside'.
She reminded us nearly every day that there's nothing better to pet than the belly of a cat.
She learned that during football season when the big hairy thing yells at the box on the wall, that he's not yelling at her but at them.
She taught ME that no matter how old you are or how others may undervalue you that you are still worthy of love and goodness.

Goodbye, my dear one, enjoy the universe as light and love.

Snow Day

2012-01-17T11:24:00.001-08:00

We're getting epic snow for this area. It's nice. Particularly because I don't have to be anywhere. I'll be glad when husband gets home.

Talking and not just Worrying

2011-12-20T08:17:00.001-08:00

This morning I called the shop that had the opening that 'evaporated'. They filled the job, but the manager (that I know well) said that they were worried that I'd just be horrendously bored. What he also told me is that they can't keep anyone in the position because as soon as they know anything, they want to go to real time. I told him to please consider me when this person moves on, and that I have no interest in working real time.

Maybe....we'll see.

Ok, well now I know

2011-12-13T10:07:00.002-08:00

The job that 'had my name on it' that they were 'very serious' suddenly evaporated. I guess someone said something about me that they shouldn't.

Onward.

A glimmer of hope

2011-12-07T16:18:00.001-08:00

I got a phone call today from an old collegue, telling me about the exact job I want to do about to be posted soon. I sent her my resume, and she's e-mailing it to her boss tonight.

Out of the blue!!

Comparison and Contrast

2011-12-05T12:52:00.001-08:00

I have been going to at least 1 meeting per day, and I have met all kinds of people. I am so grateful that they are there, listening to their stories makes me feel more connected.

I have also met people who have defined the term "In Deep Shit" for me. I'm glad I decided to quit before things got worse.

I didn't know this, but the people who have to wear those house arrest ankle things have to pay for them. Something like $300 a month. I didn't know that.

AA and Catching Up

2011-11-22T18:07:00.001-08:00

I started going to AA a week ago, and I've been to 9 meetings. They are surprisingly helpful and encouraging.

I'm getting my unemployment and my cards for cobra insurance should be here by the end of next week. Craig is working hard, and we're finding a 'new normal'. It will take a while.

I've been sending out resumes like crazy. Nothing back yet. I do know that I will not be going to culinary school or doing wedding photography. Alcohol is everywhere in both areas.

I can't overstate how helpful the meetings are to me. I get up to go to the 6 am meeting every day.

Dammit

2011-11-06T13:09:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I drove to Oak harbor (about an hour each way) to attend a play that starred Scott's girlfriend Anna. My driving was fine, better than it has been I think, and I arrived in good spirits.

I was really enjoying being covered in hugs, and having man-childs and girl-child crushing my lap. Everyone was in a good mood, and cheerful.

Suddenly, it all became too much. All the talking turned into this smothering cacophony of words. I was sick, I threw up my dinner (quietly) and tried to maintain. I couldn't defeat it. I had a true and lasting panic attack and had to leave. I was very upset. All that way just to leave, to be unable to tolerate a small gathering of people. I feel like a freak. I feel like I'll never be normal again.

I got home, and took some pills to help me sleep. It was my first real sleep in 2 days. Today I'm still shaky.

Weird Wired World

2011-11-04T20:22:00.001-07:00

I worked like a beast on the house most of the week. I'm feeling stronger and I'm not crippled just by tying my shoes.

However, today was strange. I was pretty active today, but lots more heavy lifting. I bought paint, 40 lbs of cat litter, groceries, etc. I came home and did the catboxes, then I pretty much moved and stacked everything to expose as much carpet as possible, and vacuumed.

I didn't eat all day. I had a half of a half decaf latte when I had my bad headache early on. I didn't think it was that much. I worked on that pumpkin butter, letting it simmer all day.

Craig came home, we watched "The Conspirator" and then I wanted to eat something. I went in the kitchen and all of a sudden this wired nutso energy just filled me up. So, I scrubbed the kitchen, made Craig take a photo of me as Cornholio, and he said "You are just too much for me, I'm going to bed" I ate, and now I'm on the computer just trying to calm down. I'm very jittery and shaky.

If I can't calm down in 30 mins, I'm going to take 3 benadryl. But before that I'll drink some 'sleepy tea'.

Working hard at home

2011-11-03T15:34:00.000-07:00

I'm up with Craig or usually before he is, and I'm trying to get into a routine. I have projects that all fall under the "UBERPROJECT" which is getting this house completely in order. no clothes that don't fit us or don't have some kind of special meaning. No 'mystery boxes' anywhere. Minimize the impact of the catboxes and repurpose the 'Cat Room' to a useable space.
Keep it, sell it, or donate it is my mantra.

I found this photo and it's really speaking to me. I've looked at it often

The only real unknown now of any great impact will be the granting of unemployment. I'm in the process of adjusting to my meds, which is tough. Sometimes I feel like someone has surrounded my brain with some kind of 'soup' and I'm soaking in it.

I did hit a car because my perception was off, and had to explain myself to the police. Where she stopped me was across the street from where I go for treatment. She didn't want to go in with me when I offered.
I'm trying to not freak out but I really can't trust my senses. My typing is atrocious. I hope it gets better.

Cutting it Close

2011-10-25T09:24:00.001-07:00

Craig's first paycheck is hopefully on it's way, and I'm guessing that on Friday I'll get my 2 weeks of administrative leave. Unemployment is 'pending'. We are very very low on cash. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, but with so many of our payments on 'automatic' I just get announcements that 300 bucks or 191 bucks came out.

I went to a local jeweler yesterday to see if they would be interested in this beautiful old ring that I have. Baguette diamonds, white gold. Not interested at all.

I hate not having enough money. It's been a long time and I don't like it. Consequences again.

Symbolism

2011-10-19T20:15:00.003-07:00

I heard a bunch about making lemons from lemonade, so while I was out yesterday I bought enough lemons to fill one of my beautiful bowls.

I have it in the kitchen to remind me of all the kind things that people said.

Thank you all

A pleasant first morning

2011-10-18T05:40:00.002-07:00

My plan was to get up with Craig and make him breakfast before work then start my day. My brain had other plans, and I woke up at 2:30.

So I got all the heap of medical receipts I had together and sorted them for the medical reimbursement people.

I'll be glad when my meds are all figured out and I sleep through the night.

It felt really good to make breakfast and send him off pleasantly.

On to new things

2011-10-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

Now that everything is over, I'm so relieved that I'm not going back. I'm gonna be at home for a bit, get my meds and treatment well in hand. I'll do the wife thing and cat-mamma thing, and take a break. I've been working since forever. Craig is working.

I'm eating a nutty bar, and it's just what I need.

Hopefully Tomorrow will be the end

2011-10-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning I go in to HR for a meeting at 9 am. I'm very anxious and have been flipping back and forth about what's going to happen or what I think will happen - and then a thought like 'screw them I don't want to go back anyway'

I've applied at 3 other energy companies close by for work. I'm starting to make greeting cards again for a local consignment store. I'm thinking of the things I need to do this coming week if I'm not working.

If they keep me and put me on real time - I'll deal with it as long as I can and then can it when I have other options.

Today, I'm just trying to keep calm.

Major Depression sucks for so many reasons, but this one in particular.

2011-10-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

So, Craig and I went to the Oregon coast for the weekend. Beautiful Ocean, good weather, and good food.

BUT. I didn't enjoy it like I remember. I was anxious about the sketchy people, and mostly just felt like I was waiting to go home again. I had to work pretty hard not to be a 'wet blanket' so Craig would enjoy himself. I worried about the cost of every meal, if the car was ok, if the house and the cats were ok.... on and on.

Is the rest of my life going to feel like this?

Going back to work

2011-09-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to work on October 10th. I was very apprehensive about it but I heard that they are anxious to have me back and have missed me. I even got a new computer while I was gone.

I feel much better. We're trying for a part-time schedule so I can continue with treatment and medication management.

I'm still quite anxious, still waking up at 3am, and still have a long way to go.

I love Canning

2011-09-23T04:05:00.000-07:00

There's something about canning that makes me inordinately happy. Capturing the flavors of summer, creating new and exciting things to use during the coming year, stocking up for lean times. If I had a house on land I'd have fruit trees and a big garden and would just can my heart out every year. Next year I am going to have a big container garden.

I remember my grandma and great grandma canning, and every time I visited my grandma Edith I'd always get a tour of her pantry and all her canning. Having all that food on hand was so critical to her peace of mind after years of poverty and feeding her children the cheapest food. My mother remembers eating plain oatmeal for 3 meals a day for months.

Food is life, Canning is the proactive saving of life.

I've started a cooking blog

2011-09-03T23:02:00.002-07:00

It's Intuitive Cooking by Cara, and it's in the right hand toolbar. Right now there is only an introduction.

Progress, and interesting insights.

2011-09-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

My Therapist Janice, is very personable and real- I like her. She's a tad older than me, and has really been through some shit. She brings her beautiful chocolate lab in with her, and I get all that nice doggy love along with my therapy.

We talked about a bunch of things today, but the one thing that really struck me was her asking me what I missed in childhood (Security, Stability, Companionship). She said "That is exactly what your job doesn't provide for you now". Wow. I've been thinking about that quite a bit. The other thing is that I have defined myself for nearly 15 years as a 'power person' and have gained a huge amount of self-esteem and security from that. Now that this identity is in jeopardy, I'm freaking out. To understand that better is good. Our big problem now is truly finding the money to get through this. We're going to sell our big telescope, and I'm going to try to sell some of my photographic equipment. I just cannot bring myself to ask either of my parents for money.

I'm still very anxious, and kind of wistfully think about suicide, but things have improved a bit. I was able to enjoy my day today. I found a nice big vase, some tea towels that will be embroidered, and a pan to bake muffin tops.

I have begun to really find solace in cooking. I'm able to just focus on the dish at hand, and learn new things. I want to conquer the perfect popover next.

Thank you for your love and well wishes.

2 doctors in 1 day

2011-08-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

I went back to my doctor for him to fill out the Family medical Leave Act forms and to ask for better meds for my anxiety. I got those, and also a referral to a psychiatrist that I see today at three. I have such irrational fears. I'm just afraid that he's going to talk to me and tell me I'm full of shit.

Aside from that, Craig and I are getting into a bit of a routine. I made pasta for the first time last night, and it was good. Today I checked at the local thrift store for a pasta machine and found a pasta queen for $15.00.

I'm looking forward to making some pasta.

Waiting for some 'good days'

2011-08-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

I've seen a medical professional every weekday now for a week. At the end of the week it will be 10 days.

I am not in flipped out crisis anymore, but I'm not in really any better shape. I am still very hopeless, feel worthless, and am filled with anxiety. Medication is helping, but not to the degree that I would have hoped for.

Craig has been wonderful. I can't ask for a more supportive and helpful person in my life.

I have gotten some enjoyment out of cooking. It's centering and gives me an outlet. I'm going to attempt to do a couple of projects.

Unless something happens, I'll be meeting with my VP on Thursday to discuss what I did and what they are going to do to me. I have no idea how I'm going to walk into that office.

The strange thing in all of this: I don't want to drink. Perhaps because I'm acknowledging my anxiety and depression? I really don't know. I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I think I've just been trying to not feel this horrible shit for so long.

What it feels like in Anxiety Land

2011-08-21T02:00:00.000-07:00

You remember that feeling you got when you got in trouble and got that "You wait until we get you home" thing?

I'm there all the time! I have these 'whooshes' of adrenalin - the way you are if you are startled.

My pills help, but I can sure tell when my 4 hours are up between doses. I used to wonder about people on social security disability for depression, but I can honestly say now that there's no way I could do my job right now.

From Fork to F&&ked

2011-08-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

I've had what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. I"m on administrative leave from work till they decide to fire me or not. I spent most of yesterday in the emergency room because I wanted to kill myself.

I feel like my life is over.

Everyone is being very nice to me, but I just have nothing inside me.

Another Fork in my road

2011-08-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

Craig is home, he's working on our place, and we're in a good spot with each other. But, in my now cemented career at my utility I am growing frustrated. The seemingly endless inability to be able to predict my work schedule or even content 6 months to a year from now gives me a feeling of instability that I increasingly find intolerable.

So, I applied for an analyst position. Same company, same floor even; but with different middle managers and more defined roles.

The upside: I won't have the same uncertainty about going on shift, wacky work hours, or whether or not I'll be working the holidays. I'll be doing long term contracts and analysis that before I have only been the consumer of or the executor of. I'll get to learn some programming code (I hope), and get to go out and meet some of our customers.

The downside: about a 10k cut in pay. If I look at it as after tax dollars, more like 6-7k. I won't be trading anymore. I won't get to schedule anymore, both activities I really like. I may have less input on the project I've been working on (unlikely).

I haven't been given any official word yet, but I know meetings have been held 'about me', and there's a kind of tug of war between where I am now and where I'm going as to when I'd move. That makes me feel good.

So, the next turn is interesting, but not a giant move or as much gut wrenching drama. Wish Me Luck!

Thoughts on being 45

2011-07-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

Well, so I'm 45. Nearly 50, Half of 90.

Most of my contemporaries have children, and some have grandchildren. Some are even new parents. It's interesting to see the different ways that we all live our lives in the same range.

I have noticed that I am much more of a homebody now than I ever was. I've inherited the 'middle aged woman' gene that makes me want to grow things in a garden. I've stopped dyeing my hair. I'm developing more of a taste for 'decent' food and becoming more intolerant of junk food. I'm hopelessly addicted to coffee.

I find that I'm no longer interested in conquering the world at work. I have terrible envy of those who are retiring.

I am interested in what the next few years bring. Kids grow up, another one is about to be born. I have a wonderful husband and am relatively healthy. Life is good.

Back in the Boot

2011-07-11T21:19:00.001-07:00

I've re-injured my foot over and over again, so i'm biting the bullet and I'm going to wear my boot for another couple of weeks.

45 does not heal like 25 did.

OK .... am I nuts?

2011-06-30T20:04:00.003-07:00

I bought some emergency supplies. We already have emergency kits for earthquakes and such, but I upped the ante just a bit.

Water purifiers you can put in your pocket and drink from just about anything (puddles, etc). Magnesium fire starter, paracord, and a big bucket with 275 dehydrated meals.

I'm really weirded out about the situation and want to have some resources.

Genie Bras Rock!

2011-06-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

About 2 months ago I ordered Genie Bras. They came in the mail for me today. I love them! No hooks, no straps, and it just goes over my head nice and easy.

Here's the website.

I have the problem of when I bend over all my endowments like to burst out of the top of my bra. Now when I bend over the bra moves with them, and when I stand up I still have 2 breasts instead of my 4.

I have 2 on at the same time, for a little extra support.

Crazy Dreams

2011-06-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have been having just the most insane and strange dreams lately. I wake up going "What the??" most days now.

Some Themes:
Being put in a Mental Hospital, and in my dream truly not comprehending what's going on.
Being super drunk.
Going to see an amazing mansion, and realizing that it's owned by one of the secretaries at work.
Moving to the very southern tip of Florida, riding motorized chairs everywhere, and Craig getting a job trucking coffee around that he has to buy in retail stores.
A baby that we somehow got, but is very tough. Plays with firewood, eats cat food, and is in love with his own penis.

I AM OUT OF MY MIND! How nuts are these dreams?!?

Do you have crazy dreams like this? My mother has really crazy dreams too, maybe it's inherited.

It's nice to know I'm not alone, I found this site and I'll be reading that.

Aftermath

2011-05-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

Thursday I came home from mom's, and it was the first time I had seen Craig in person in months. He was asleep when I got in, and I just crawled in bed with him and snuggled. He snapped awake and immediately kissed me. Other things happened in quick succession ;)

We talked for a good long time about trust, regret, blame, and got out all of the feelings and words that we needed to. He did confess to thinking he would just stay there because he's sick of my bullshit. I told him I wouldn't have blamed him if he did. It's scary to think we came that close to not making it. In the end, he said that family comes first. I am so glad that he came home.

So, past all of the talking through the last few months, we started to relax and have fun with each other. We used to laugh all the time, and it's just like he never left. Just hanging out watching tv, our snarky remarks make each other laugh to tears. We're still saying the same things at the same time, and just enjoying touching and being together again. We are true soulmates.

His plans now are to get the house things fixed. We need to level the mobile home, it's getting 'wonky'. We need our new roof, painting, some minor plumbing. By the time all that is done it will be time for fall term and he will be off to school. He's not sure what he wants to do yet, but I'm suggesting skilled trades. Electricians, Plumbers, Carpenters, Welders are all in big and constant demand.

The balance of this weekend we're just going to relax, eat, nap and be together. I have a requested meal of Fried Chicken and Macaroni and Cheese - his favorite from scratch meal.

Thank you all for the love and support during this difficult time, especially my dear Cheri.

<3

In.Sane. Insane

2011-05-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

Craig is coming home. It took me 3 months of being polite and trying to be supportive, but failing at that and relapsing on booze to my great shame and humiliation.

But Monday things came to a head. Craig called me and we talked/fought/talked and I finally told him that there's no way I'm quitting my job. Being a power person is what I DO. I told him I wanted him to come home.

So, I helped him write a resignation letter, and he delivered it on Monday. He is leaving in the morning to drive back. He will be here waiting for me when I come home from my moms.

I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to quit my job, even though I hate it sometimes but that's work, right? I didn't want to Leave my Cheri and her wonderful Husband and Kids. I sure as hell didn't want to live back in Tornado country.

BUT - at the same time I feel terrible. Craig had a job he liked and people who liked him. I feel like I took that away from him. Like I didn't support him like he has been supportive of the changes I put us through.

So, he's coming home, I have my life back, and he's going to go to school to learn something that is not manufacturing. Hopefully we can get him into something that he truly enjoys.

Crazy Changes and Reality Sets In

2011-05-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we got a signed contract for the house in NC, and were ecstatic about it. Then Craig went with an inspector to look at the house. What they found was so bad that Craig stopped the inspector about a half hour into it and sent him home. We refused the deal based on the condition of the roof and deck as well as other things.

Craig was in absolute despair. He just went on and on about how he f##%^d us and what a retard he was and just crazy stuff. I was sad but not destroyed, and really puzzled about how violently reacted. He wouldn't even talk to me on the phone most of friday and saturday.

Finally Saturday evening he had it together enough to talk to me (hockey was on). We talked about the situation, and what he had been keeping from me was that the rumor mill at work is that BD is getting very active in china and that they might move manufacturing to China. So, he's been wrestling with this and not saying anything to me.

So, we talked it through, and here's our NEW situation. I'm staying here. The house is coming off the market. He's going to stay there and work and figure out if they are sending people to China or not. We're going to save our money and see what happens next.

Crazy day. Not a fan. But i'm hugely relieved that I don't have to sell my house and move my cats.

"You Do It"

2011-04-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

Being a 'bi-costal couple' has it's bad side, and it's worse side.

I've become quite irritated with the phrase 'you do it'. Signing up for new insurance at the new job? "You know what we want better than me, you do it." Sending flowers of gratitude for a wonderful favor? "You do it." Figuring out what has to be done, when, and how much that will cost? "You do it."

I think I'm going to come up with a phrase myself

"Make me"

Buying a Foreclosed House = TEDIOUS

2011-03-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

We found a house we like, and put in an offer. We were the best offer of 3, says the listing agent.

It's been nearly a month now, and still no word back from the bank that owns it. Our loan is approved, and I'm e-mailing their last few required documents tomorrow. We have saved the money for the down payment and closing costs.

Everything waits on Bank of America. So very tedious.

Don't Carry Everything at ONCE

2011-03-24T07:32:00.001-07:00

Laziness has a price

Taking out the trash and cleaning the catboxes, I decided to take out all of the garbage at the same time. I'd also procrastinated taking an empty flowerpot off my very tiny porch step. I also like to wear crocs because they are easy to put on, and you don't have to take care of them.
So.............

Backing out of my back door, both hands full of very heavy bags, I turn and put a foot on where I thought was a step. I was half right. I did some kind of horrible twist, bang slide thing. Fortunately, there was garbage and catbox 'leavin's' to break my fall.

Getting inside, that was work.

I'm just really glad that the catboxes are clean and the dishes are done.

Diagnosis, broken metatarsal, consult with orthopedists pending. I still marvel at technology. The Digital Xray was done, viewed by the radiologist, and loaded into the central system for my doctor to view before I was even back to the exam room.

I got all weepy, I have not ever felt so alone as I was at the doctor. I had to ask a stranger if they would help me to the door, and when the MA was asking me questions about my situation, I just teared up. I couldn't understand how I was going to function like this, and just feeling alone and a little sorry for myself. Once I got my boot on and up on crutches I felt much better.

Photos for your enjoyment.

The Value of Pets

2011-03-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

I am all alone now, CV is away and I won't see him until October. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I feel like nobody on earth cares about me. I know in my brain it's not true, I am blessed with many people who love me.

BUT. I don't see them every day.

My furry Children have become my world. My boy Freddy snuggled to sleep with me last night, I woke up once with him on my back and smiled.

My girls come to greet me at the door, and are so cute and whimsical. They love me and are happy to see me.

Does this make me a crazy cat lady?

What your brain knows, What your heart knows, What everyone else knows.

2011-03-01T02:54:00.001-08:00

It's really happening. They come for CV's car on the 2nd, we fly on the 3rd, set up bank and do loan stuff on the 4th, house hunt on the 5th, then I fly home on the 6th.

My brain knows that we have to sell our place ASAP, but I've set all these internal conditions prior to putting it on the market. My brain knows that We have about 20k of debt that I need to pay before I go. My brain knows that the company is taking care of the moving expenses, but what if they screw us?

My heart knows that This will be very good for Craig. He really needs to be our provider, to satisfy that built-in desire to take care of everything. My heart knows I want to support all of the good things in his life and meet his needs. My heart knows that taking some time off of work will likely be the best thing that's ever happened to me, an epiphany. My heart knows that being away from a huge city with horrible traffic and ridiculous cost of living will cure many of my ills.

Not everyone knows my plan. I can't tell work people, my job could be endangered. Not everyone knows the daily internal 'laundry list' that I go through - Logistics, what if scenarios, doubts, fears. Not everyone knows that I am going to miss the NorthWest with all of my heart. But really hardly anyone knows that my real desire is just to PICK A PLACE AND STAY THERE. I'm so tired of moving, of buying and selling houses, of selling or getting rid of things, of packing, unpacking, and traveling.

But here's what I know. It's really happening.

Another adventure awaits just there

2011-02-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

So, as many of you have seen or inferred on Facebook, we're off on yet another adventure. Craig has taken a job in North Carolina, he starts on March 7. The plan at this point is for him to work, and I get to 'take a sabbatical' from working. He wants to give me the same opportunity I gave him - to figure out what I want to do without a paycheck getting in the way.

It sounds good, but it's scary as hell. I've been working since I was 11, and have never had a time as an adult where I wasn't earning a paycheck. I have defined myself by what I do for so long, I'm not even sure I have an identity without a job. I'm also freaked about not having money. I didn't have money for so long, then got into my energy career. I like having money, I love being "Aunt Cara" who spoils everyone. I'm going to miss money, I think.

But, after the initial shock wore off, and some long talks with my mom and my husband; I'm starting to really get excited.

What I call my 'little house on the prairie fantasy' can take flight if we get the right property. I want to grow a huge garden, maybe even have some chickens and a goat(no mowing!).

The rest I'll make up as I go along.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better, partly because I know nothing is really wrong with me, and partly because when I had a nice load of vicodin on board I really massaged what must be scar tissue very strenuously, and I think it's stretched out a bit.

Craig and I got through a busy week of work, and when we got home last night we decided to take a 'nap' at 6pm. We woke up at 7 am today.

We went to central market, and bought just about everything in the store I think. We have enough now for Christmas dinner for 12. It will be nice to just graze and have our favorite things in the house.

Craig is off till the 4th, and I'm so glad. He got a wonderful card from his boss saying what a great addition he's been and how much he was appreciated, and a $100 bill. That's so huge! He's happy. I'm happy.

Once Craig gets home from 'stocking shopping' we'll be in for a good 2 days. I love just staying home and doing alot of nothing. If that makes me lazy, then I'm lazy.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, and know that you all are in my thoughts!

Ultrasound

2010-12-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well, there's nothing like holding it for hours and then getting an ultrasound. I've never done it for anything fun like a baby. Just medical mysteries. I got both the normal external one and the 'internal' or ... let's call it a date.... one.

These photos are from the 'date' set.

I am no radiologist, but the earlier set sure looked like a cyst to me.
I'll know for sure soon.

Planning without worrying? Possible?

2010-12-15T19:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, tomorrow I have a pelvic ultrasound to see if they can see where this pain is coming from. I read some things today about symptoms for Ovarian cysts, and checked the 'yes' box alot. Then I just read about Ovarian cancer vs cysts, no difference in symptoms. Great.

So, I have this pain. Like last time I had an Ovarian cyst. If It's a cyst, then surgery. Another. Effing. Surgery. Only this time, I work for a company with no short term disability, and I have about 8 days total of sick time, vacation time and if I wait till January to have surgery, 2 floating holidays. Great.

We have a little in savings, but we've been so aggressive in paying off credit cards that we don't have enough to make up for the month or so I'll be out of work. So, more debt back on credit cards I'm sure.

I want to be prudent and have a plan, but how to do it without worrying eludes me. What if this, what if that....

in the words of my cats. "Meh"

Be aware

2010-12-13T21:03:00.002-08:00

You never know who is watching you pick your nose.

This was on Monday Night Football.

Christmas GiftTacular

2010-12-13T19:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, I went a little nuts this year. Partly because there were just a bunch of cool things out there, and partly because I just freaking wanted to.

Today, I laid everything out and felt a big twinge of 'buyers remorse'. Do my dear ones really need all this stuff? Am I trying to buy their love?

Then I thought about that for a while and said to myself.

"Screw it! It's Christmas! Woohoo!"

What's Next

2010-12-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'm just in a holding pattern for a little while, today I'm really hurting. It feels like a golf-ball of pain in the area were my appendix used to be.

Whatever is next, I'd like to get on with it.

Shit

2010-12-06T20:39:00.000-08:00

I don't like prepping for any GI procedures. I really hate bowel prep.

But, tomorrow I'll have my colonoscopy and be all done by 9 am. Tonight I'm starving but the worst is over.

Hopefully we'll have an answer soon to what's going on.

Seattle's Snowy Shame

2010-11-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

The statistics don't lie: Seattle's City Management cannot get its head around the fact that it snows here. Each year it snows a little bit, and every year people are hurt, killed and thousands of others are endangered because the City cannot remove 3-5 inches of snow in an expedient manner.

I had originally started to blog about my day, leaving early on a bus headed north and spending 3 hours standing on a bus crawling 36 miles.

But, when I went to find some photos of Seattle snow traffic, I came across year-on-year evidence. Each photo shows clogged streets and freeways, but relatively small amounts of snow. Having lived in some very snowy and cold places I can say that they would laugh at 3 inches of snow crippling a major city.

This is shameful, and In my opinion negligent.

What do you think?

Celebrating Thanksgiving, favorites and least favorites

2010-11-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

I often measure my life by the nearest Holiday. Mostly 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I think I've celebrated Thanksgiving in every possible way. In my early adult years I was always working, and remembering the giant feasts that my Grandma Edith would host. When I opened her china that I inherited, I got hit in the face with years of memories about eating holiday meals on those dishes; and I cried.

I've attended a few 'Orphan Dinners' while on my own, and really enjoyed the traditions other families have~

A couple of my favorite Thanksgivings were big shindigs that I hosted. One year shortly Dave and I divorced everyone came to our house and we all ate on my special china. I played with the kids and we all just in general hung out and had great fun. The second one was long before that, we had a pre-Thanksgiving party / potluck where everyone was encouraged to bring their favorite holiday dish, and we made a 30 lb turkey, moved the living room furniture into the kitchen (big eat in affair), and set up a huge long table in the living room. For days afterward my house seemed to throb with the fun and love that was in the house that day. I think we had 30 people at that party.

2 Thanksgivings in CT we rented hotel rooms in Manhattan, watched the Macy's parade, and ate the Traditional Dinner at 2 amazing restaurants. We've also eaten in not so amazing restaurants and still very much enjoyed it. Part of that enjoyment is tipping 100% of our bill, and knowing that we made some very busy server's day.

Now that we live close to Cheri, we usually hang out with them on Thanksgiving. Those are always wonderful!

Much love to you all this Thanksgiving!

Working on the house

2010-11-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get our house painted on the inside, to get us out of the 'We're just passin thru' mindset and into more of a 'This is Home' one.

Paint is fairly cheap, and other stuff will wait, like getting rid of blue cabinet tops.

I have a beautiful pale parchment for the living room, and some nice curtains I got on overstock.

For now, the kitchen is cool, I have to put it back together tomorrow.

What color should I make the countertops?

A sad sight

2010-11-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

Today at the end of my work day, a few people came over to the window by me and opened the blinds, looking out.

A woman had gotten out of a protected door, and was standing on the roof of the courthouse. Police cordoned off the street, and watched her as she crawled spiderman-style from the roof to a catwalk that runs from the jail to the courthouse. A new street was cordoned off. She sat on the edge of the catwalk. At one point she looked like she had one bun over the edge.

Several people came to the window to comment. Traffic below was at a standstill. I watched her, and my stomach just slowly tied in a knot. I could only imagine the dispair that would have driven her there.

After several minutes, she pulled her legs back over the edge, inched into the center of the catwalk, and sat hugging her knees.

I hope she gets some help. I hope today was the turning point for her.

Medical Intrique

2010-10-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

Well, my symptoms and humiliating problems have finally brought me to the doctor. At first he talked down to me like I just didn't understand my body or my gastric bypass surgery. But, after we talked further, he started looking.....more concerned. My sudden loss of 15 lbs worries him.

So, we talked about my vitamins, I look deficient which can cause my intestines to not absorb anything properly, including my crazy pills which I've been feeling. My intermittent pain didn't seem to concern him at all, and he didn't feel anything 'anomalous' in my gut, but he just kind of poked me a couple of times.

But, he's running every blood test on the planet. I am also getting set up with the gut specialists.

It's possible I have this thing called 'overgrowth', where the blind stomach and leftover guts from my surgery get filled up with bad bacteria. If I have that, we take tetracycline and all is well.

He told me there are a zillion reasons for what is going on, none of which he is comfortable even talking about until the specialists see me.

CRAP. Well, the worst is they take out all of my internal organs and I get a job in a geek show.

Sick to Death of Politics

2010-10-28T12:00:00.001-07:00

I am sick of politics, sick of political ads, sick of political signs all over the road, sick of the blizzard of junk mail, sick of the "If you vote for X, we're ALL GOING TO DIE" vs "If you vote for Y, YOU HATE AMERICA AND DESERVE TO BURN IN HELL"

SHUT UP

There will be no return to sanity, there is not ever going to be any change, and I'll say it for the 9 millionth time - no matter what color their pin or which animal they ride, all politicians will say whatever it takes to get them into office and then do whatever they want when they get there.

Is it me?

2010-10-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

I have people in my life that I love. They've known me a long time, and know that I care for them and what's important to them. However, they never EVER listen to me about important stuff. Time and time again I've advised them to do some things to protect themselves, and they don't do it, and then they have such heartache.

Is it me? Is it because I don't live the lifestyle that they live? Is it that I'm younger than they are?

Advised on computers -nope, and its an ongoing problem

Advised on medical stuff (do it now) - nope - did it later and it was worse

Advised on money stuff - nope- only now it's a crisis so we might do it.

It's not like I've inserted myself into the situation and am telling people how to live, they asked me what I thought.

It's frustrating to me.

Knock me over with a feather

2010-10-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

I came into work this morning, and told my boss(es) my dilemma and that I was actively seeking a normal work schedule, that I didn't expect anything from them except that they not block me from leaving. We all talked for a few minutes, and by the end of today there is an entirely new work schedule. I'm working 3 more day shifts, I have a week off then I'm on 6:30a-2:30p 5 days a week.

I can't believe that they acted on my behalf, and did it so quickly. I'm still waiting for something to go wrong.

Still, when the boss came over and told me it was done, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

The dilemma

2010-10-12T07:54:00.000-07:00

My love and I are in the middle of a fairly significant dilemma. I went to treatment in June, learned all about how to change my life and maintain my sobriety. One of my biggest triggers was revealed - it was my job working the crazy shifts and dealing with the social isolation that is just a part of it. I have not been able to maintain my sobriety, and it is just devastating to me.

So, it's clear that I need to quit this job. But.
I make really good money, and my career has been the single income in our family more often than not.
I derive a great deal of self-esteem from being able to do the things I do.
Any other job that utilizes my skill set outside of the power industry will not pay me probably even a third of what I make now.
I DON'T WANT to not have money. I grew up with none, went to college with none, and have a real fear of not being able to make money again. I'm 44 - no degree - and it's a crazy bad job market.

We are in a real dilemma. I crave your love, light and if you pray, your prayers.

Silly things to make him smile

2010-10-10T03:39:00.000-07:00

I love to get silly things for my husband. He is such fun to get things for, and it's a joy to do it. Lately he's been watching Dexter, marathon style. He's chewed through seasons 1-nearly 3 already. I found the silliest thing today and bought it for him.

I'm sure it will not be a regular feature in our home decor, but he will smile and I'll probably put them out every October.

Guilt vs Give-a-Shit

2010-10-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

Craig and I both worked very hard last week. He had month and quarter end, and I had my 4 days of 12 hour nights during which I am training someone. We were both pooped.

The house is a little messy, but not out of control.

The yard is what needs attention. I have dead tomato vines that need to be pulled, stuff to be trimmed, and general 'fluffing and folding' of the whole outside area. I feel kind of guilty for not doing it.

But, on the other hand, I'm tired and just can't really give a shit.

I wish it wasn't a ferry ride and an hour in the car for my big nephews, I'd have them under contract to keep my yard just perfect.

Self-Hypnosis and Positive Affirmations

2010-09-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to audio files on my ipod when I go to sleep at night, and I find them to be so soothing. Laying in bed with my headphones on, I'm able to drift off in a state of relaxation that is so enjoyable. Once I am relaxed, the positive suggestions start and they are just helping me reinforce my creativity, my desire to be healthy, to love and be loving.

I hope that you all have occasion to try this, I really do like it.

Fall Crock Potting

2010-09-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

I love having a pantry with all kinds of things to cook with and experiment with. I love having a freezer with food in it to be able to plan and think about what's to eat.

Tonight, I started supper for tomorrow:
2 lamb shanks from the lamb I bought in the spring
dried currants from the pantry
canned crushed tomatoes
1 tomato from the yard
Nearly an entire bulb of garlic, peeled
1onion sliced
1 rib celery sliced
1 small sweet potato, sliced thick
6 new potatoes
The juice and grated peel from one fresh orange
about a tablespoon of Herbs de Provence

Its all in there, on slow, until tomorrow night.

More Information, Less Stress

2010-09-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

I've really been feeling better about things now that I have control over the monthly bills. I have all of the accounts switched over to the main checking, and all the information comes to me.

I've made a spreadsheet with all of the income (gross minus all the different stuff they take out) and outgo (by fixed and variable expenses) and divided it by pay period.

I've also built in savings and payoff schedules for our 2 credit cards.

All with graphs, conditional formats to show when we're under and when we're over in colorful satisfaction.

I am a geek.

Ready to be off!

2010-09-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't looked forward to being off work this much in a while.

I worked my 72 hour week over Labor day, and it was an hourly struggle to find the energy we needed because ALL of the lakes in the entire northwest had to be at their full level during the time of year when the runoff is at its very lowest. Continual negotiation, calculation and balancing.

This weekend (Fri-Mon) we had a huge maintenance project, only done every 30 years. This has required tons of coordination with engineers, the Army Corps, dams up and down stream, and precise hourly and sometimes sub hourly calculations. I spent the entire weekend crunching numbers, giving opinions and making calculations while on conference calls to teams of engineers.

My brain is tired, but it's a really triumphant tired. My supervisors told me how relieved they were that it was ME who was on shift over the weekend, and that's good to hear.

Tomorrow they move a 330 ton piece of the dam onto the shore, and we've all worked hard to get this done.

If I get pictures, I'll post them

Stuff and Things

2010-09-08T02:14:00.000-07:00

Now that Craig is back home and I'm only working my one job, we've decided that I should take control of our finances again. So, I've been moving auto payments around, changing accounts, and paying down our debt.

I still have to spreadsheet everything, but feel better already about the direction we are going.

Life without doing weddings is good. I don't have a mountain of work to do on my day off. I'm just waiting for my last album to be finished so I can deliver that and truly be done.

We're both really going back and forth about getting a house closer to CV's work now, or waiting. We have about 20k in debt, and I really wanted to clear all of that first. BUT, the market is really cheep right now and it's a good time to buy.

Look how they've grown!

2010-09-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

Look how big they are, they are almost a month old, and will be out of the nest when they are 90 days old.

awwww!

Enchanting Owl Cam

2010-08-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am just in love with these owls. There are 2 surviving owlets, and they have been keeping me company via webcam at work.

Here they are snoozing during the evening, mom is out doing her thing now that they can groom themselves and maintain their own body temperature. They wake up, flex those (even this early quite formidable) talons, and even squabble a bit.

They stretch their feet out in front of them, and are in the exact same posture as they will be when they strike a prey item.

Urban Decay

2010-08-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

Marysville is turning into Marys -vile right before our eyes. Several businesses have shut down completely, and the 2 new ones that have opened up are another Pawn Shop and a Furniture Rental Business. A couple of titty bars and we'll be a full-fledged slum.

Craig and I are going to look for possible places to live closer to where he (we) works this coming weekend. I'm sick of moving, but so be it.

The good and the bad

2010-08-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

Craig is home, and it's just so nice to have him back. It's like someone let all the air back in the room. Eating a meal with someone, just talking, touching, hugging......It's been great. Tomorrow it's back to the grind, he goes to work, then later I go. How wonderful!

The bad( well more annoying than bad)....I can't see. it's not bad, but I've been so used to having perfect vision that it's just depressing. I even dreamed that I couldn't see. I went to the eye doctor and my new glasses will be here in a week.

Tomato Love

2010-08-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

I got my first little crop of tomatoes today. About 11. It's been warm and dry here, and I have not been diligent about watering so they could have been bigger.

I do love a nice home grown tomato. We can't grow the big beefsteaks here like in other parts of the country, but I have a nice heirloom plant growing that looks like it will give us some good ones!

Tomato Paradise!

Bugs on my wall

2010-08-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

I got some prints back today, I made 6 metallic prints of butterflies and bugs on backerboard to put up on my walls somewhere.

I love them, and really want to have more of my work all over in the house.

:)

Menopause hits some ladies harder than others.

2010-08-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

Menopause hits some ladies harder than others.

Spinning My Wheels

2010-08-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you're just spinning and getting nowhere? I do. Focus, I need to work on Focus!

Stuff and Things

2010-08-02T00:21:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed reading everyone's updates that have done it (Let's GO Kristen, Jen, and Cheri!)

I'm ending my 6th 12 hour shift in a row, and I am dog tired. I would really like to get off of this shift, but I don't see that happening anytime soon in a permanent way. I'm still looking out for 'regular work'.

Today I called to start the search for a real therapist to help with my 'issues' (i hate that phrase, word, thing). I saw a male a couple of times, but really was heinously uncomfortable. Some stuff I just don't want to share with a man who isn't my husband.

My incognito FB account makes me much more comfortable. Because I had a business page, and had all of my website, e-mail and phone numbers for people to find me, I was a 'high value target'. My junk mail just EXPLODED when I put that stuff on there. So now, I have my new little page and new e-mail that is much more 'me and mine' only.

Today before work I went down to the local fish house and sat outside, had coffee and an Arnold Palmer and a wonderful salad, listened to music on my ipad and just watched people in the very comforatble Seattle afternoon. It was very civilized. Eating 2 meals a day or more staring at computer screens, you forget how to eat off of an actual plate.
(Aola, you should come up just you and visit the NW girls for a couple of days!)

Long Time, No See

2010-07-31T23:50:00.001-07:00

I do miss my blog buddies, and am glad we have decided to re-start our blogworld.

It's been a strange time for me, having my husband away working has been a very strange experience. On the one hand, he's making money, he likes the work, and he's gotten his 'groove' back. On the other hand, without anyone at home and working primarily alone; I have been UTTERLY alone. I have really gone through a time of dispair, boredom, sadness, and misery, and then have begun to be more at peace with myself. I will be glad when he's back for good and will be taking with me what I have learned from my time alone.

In the meantime, I did get a new tech toy for my birthday (44 omg)

This is one cool gadget! My datebook, my internet, my entire library, my photos, games for ever, movies out the wazoo and new things to enjoy and explore every day.

When they make one that shoots out food, we will be truly a Star Trek society.

I decided a couple of weeks ago to stop being a wedding photographer, and dissolve the business. I did so for a number of reasons, but the main one was that I wasn't giving my brides the kind of customer service that I owe to them. The reason that I got into the business was to provide wonderful service and beautiful photos at a reasonable rate. After several years I have spent much more than I've made, and although I really do enjoy doing it, I'm not going to quit my job 'working for the man' to starve to death taking photos. I'm still taking photos, much more fun stuff - macro photography is my focus for now and bugs. Bugs bugs bugs! I'm still keeping my online storage, but my website is gone.

CV will be working east of town, his commute will be 50 miles each way. Mine is 36 each way, but right now it's less expensive to stay where we are than to buy a house closer to one of our work places. For some reason, the suburb that his work is in apparently is the gucci of 'burbs'. We're going to stay in our mobile, and pay off all of our debt, and fix our place up, then see.

Our aging cat family is one fewer, we lost Barney a couple of weeks ago. He went from being a little disinterested in things to hardly being able to stand in just a day. We were sad when he died, but he had so many things wrong with him that we are glad now he's out of pain.

Love is the best

2010-06-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

I love the Daily Squee...... go there just to get your warm fuzzi of the day!

Love is the best, I've felt so much love lately, and I'm so grateful for it.

'Love is all you need' - The Beatles

Happy Homecoming

2010-05-29T16:36:00.002-07:00

He's home, I'm so glad, and now he's resting and catching up on his favorite TV shows.

This is Hilarious

2010-05-23T23:45:00.002-07:00

A blog of photoshops featuring Nicolas Cage

Nic Cage is Everyone

It's gone

2010-05-23T20:53:00.002-07:00

The whale has disappeared. It probably died in the night and sunk to the bottom of the sound.

Dying Whales

2010-05-23T00:53:00.000-07:00

We have another grey whale in the sound who is dying. I think this makes 5 this year. This one, like the last one, is very emaciated and weak. If I'm not too tired when I get off work I'm going to go down to the Everett Marina, and send love and light it's way.

Link to the Story

I feel like our ocean is heaving it's last breath.

Pain

2010-05-21T21:26:00.002-07:00

I threw up this morning, and wrenched a muscle in the left side of my neck. My neck was already compromised I think, by 3 very tough days at work where I barely moved from my desk, and spent a good bit of the time on the phone with the handset wedged between my ear and shoulder.

I should have called in to work, but didn't. I should have probably gone to urgent care, but didn't do that either. I did take a bunch of tylenol pm, and put one of those heat wrap things on my neck.

Unfortunately, neither have really done the trick.

Lennie Payne is my New Hero

2010-05-18T14:28:00.003-07:00

So, this guy just evolved into the very first ever 'toast artist', creating a new whole genre of art. He burns the bread with a blowtorch and scrapes off the burnt to make the designs.

Now I know what to do with my burnt toast!

Bad Day

2010-05-18T13:42:00.003-07:00

Today is just a bad day. I accidentally set my alarm for pm not am, and at 6:10 work calls to see if I'm ok. I scream out of bed, fling on some clothes and run out the door (without my badge) all the while battling a bloody nose. Then I had to battle rush hour commute conditions and it took me over an hour to get to work, even though I periodically cheated and used the HOV lane.

Then, to add to the magic, the stress gave me a migraine. Then, work was just stupid for about 4 hours.

I'm feeling better now (thank you modern pharmacology!), and am eating a hamburger.

Fascinating! Whale Fall Communities

2010-05-12T20:51:00.003-07:00

I found an article about university fellows studying the deep oceans and communities that form around the carcass of a whale that lands on the bottom of the sea.

These 'Whale Falls' apparently are some of the most amazing communities of creatures, and the current study is to see who shows up for the buffet, and how long the nutrients of one whale last - not just for the ones who show up and eat it, but their offspring and the ones who eat them.

They think right now that one whale fall distributes nutrients for 100 years!

Here's a fairly simplistic page, but This is cool stuff.

Whale Falls from Columbia University

Stuff

2010-05-12T18:57:00.003-07:00

After lots of talking with CV, I'm not going to try right away to 'get a job' or 'open a shop' once we are both living in NC. I'm going to try to do photography as a full time profession. I do love it, and we will be able to survive if I don't make any money. CV was so insistant that I 'take my turn' of being the one who gets to try new things. He is a rare man.

Dammit!

2010-05-11T04:58:00.003-07:00

So, CV has applied for a permanent position in NC. I hope he gets it, because he really likes the job and they really seem to like him.

Today, I checked a website that I check frequently for work - - and they've posted a perfect job, exactly what I want to do. Trading, Scheduling, no more shift work. 10 minute drive away.

So, since it will be at least a year of work until we are in a position for me to move over there (if he gets the job at a pay rate that is satisfactory) I've gone ahead and applied.

Dammit, why do things have to be such silly choices?

No Sleep No Sleep No No NO sleep

2010-05-09T06:13:00.002-07:00

I stayed over at Cheri's house last night, to hang out with the other kids while they took Scott and his date to Prom.

I tried to sleep in Scott's room and got about 20 minutes of sleep the entire night. I tossed, turned, itched, froze, sweat, and every other uncomfortable thing in between. When I go home today I'm going to sleep allllll day. That will actually work out good, because I work nights this week.

Of course, how I'll sleep with 4 cats standing on my larnyx is anyone's guess.

Neighbors

2010-05-07T23:00:00.002-07:00

I had my windows open today because it was so beautiful. Unfortunately, my neighbors were outside, one washing off their patio furniture and the other apparently just out there to hate on him.

I couldn't believe the hurtful things they were saying to each other. I don't know how long they have been married, but they should get divorced if they really feel about each other the way they sounded.

The capper to me was when the woman was going somewhere - - I would have been relieved if I was the husband. She asked him if he wanted anything and he said "Yeah - come back 20 lbs lighter"

Why stay married when you hate each other so much?

Offending Not

2010-05-04T21:18:00.001-07:00

I've decided to make my sobriety blog private, viewable only by me. I need to be able to say what I want, and everything I want without worrying that I'm going to hurt anyone or offend anyone.

Pho Soup

2010-04-30T15:39:00.003-07:00

This was lunch today, and it was so good it's going to be lunch tomorrow. Have you all had Pho Soup? It's a vietnamese dish, rice noodles, various thinly sliced meats, cilantro, onions, and the most delicious complex broth. Along side this is a plate with holy basil, bean sprouts and a sliced jalapeno.

I always feel extra nourished when I eat a brothy soup, like the dissolved nutrients are going right into my system.

I've started a blog dedicated to my current struggle with alcoholism, because I don't want this one to just be about that. It's the first on my link list

Thank you all again for your kindness and offers of help. It really means the world to me.

I just want to die.

2010-04-29T06:06:00.002-07:00

How do i even begin to claw my way back to somene I can look at in the mirror. I don't know if I can. I got completely inebriated and not only scared my husband to death because he couldn't reach me, I also was a complete bitch to him on the phone and to Cheri. He called our trailer park manager and asked her to check in on me.

I am absolutely beside myself for my behavior, and I feel like I've permanently damaged my relationship with Cheri. I don't really remember what I said, but I know it was bad.

I'm never having another drop of alcohol again., but I have no idea how I'm going to manage that. I've said it before, my poor husband quit believing me about the 5th time I've 'quit drinking'. I know he doesn't believe me- - i don't believe me either.

Plastic, Part 2

2010-04-25T11:25:00.005-07:00

If you scroll down you can see my post about dead sea birds found full of plastic. We had a whale die in West Seattle a few days ago, and the necropsy showed large amounts of plastic in it's gut as well.

Being filter feeders, these whales are feeding right in that island of garbage that's out in the ocean. I think we are going to see this more and more until some kind of massive cleanup is done.

It's also a strange mix, this floating garbage is becoming home to colonies of fish, crustaceans, and other small sea creatures. The other part is that over time, the plastic just gets smaller and smaller, not decomposing, and may block enough sunlight to severely hinder photosynthesis.

News Story

More Photos

I hate hate hate tornados

2010-04-24T15:07:00.003-07:00

Gene Moore took this photo, he's a storm chaser and photographer. To me, it's the perfect explanation of these storms and how I feel about them.

You have your home, your life, your plans, and things look great. Then, it's just gone in the most brutal way. Nobody to blame, nothing able to stop it. All we can do is hide or run.

I'm glued to the Weather Channel watching these storms, and all the panic from childhood is right there.

Make sure your saferoom is clean and ready.... my dear ones.

Seeing God

2010-04-18T17:51:00.011-07:00

I've had this little collection of photos for a while. I'm fascinated by the whole concept of people seeing 'this or that saint' in every day objects, and then clinging to those things as some sort of sign from God or a saint.

People preserve them, keep them, and even sell them. What do you think of these things?

Do they inspire you?

Do they make you uncomfortable?

Do they make you laugh?

Or does the image of Christ in the crust of a frying pan make your faith stronger?

Is this a sign that God wants you to iron more?

Or, do these images make you just shake your head?

This last one kills me. It's a Cheeto.

Wind Power Growing Pains

2010-04-17T20:21:00.003-07:00

Wind power seems like such an easy thing. You put a windmill up, it spins, everyone gets free power. Well, right now we are in what I'd consider 'early toddler' in the maturity of wind power and its effect on our national power grid and utilities.

Wind is often feast or famine. Either everyone has it, or nobody does in our neck of the woods. When it comes up or goes down suddenly, that change causes tremendous stress on all of the generators that are up and running.

The power market reflects this pain. When the wind comes up unexpectedly, the price of power goes down sharply. When the wind does not arrive as anticipated, the price of power jumps up the same way. This is causing the wind producers and investors to not get as much return as they had hoped for.

As the market struggles, I hear my counterparts at other companies tell me they 'hate wind'. I love wind power and I want it to work. I do all I can to help the wind producers. But right now, as the grid struggles with these wild swings, it does pinch.

So, we're in a toddler phase, we try to walk, and fall on our face. But we're figuring it out.

Eyjafjallajokull

2010-04-17T04:35:00.004-07:00

Iceland Live Webcam

Amazing! How did we ever live without the internet?

Springtime Garden

2010-04-17T00:23:00.002-07:00

Our trailer park is very rules-y when it comes to what our little plots of land can look like. A proper 'Veggie Garden' is out of the question, and they don't want anything that could be mistaken for a farmstand.

So, my very big desire to grow some veggies has taken on a kind of 'guerilla' flavor. In between my daffodils, I have garlic. In a front bed, baby leeks are clustered in a low-profile way. My rhubarb is big, but it's leafy. More leeks and sweet peas are at the end of a flower bed, the trellis for the peas might give it away...

I'll have containers with peppers and carrots, and I bought one of those hanging things for upside down tomatoes. Heirloom tomatoes too!

Are you all growing this year? What are you growing?

Facebook Life Suck

2010-04-15T15:53:00.001-07:00

Wow, 6 months between posts? 6 months of Mafia Wars and Pet Society and Farkle and Wordscraper?

I'm just amazed now at the time I spent on there. Time to post and get outside!

Your daily dose of 'AWWWW'

2009-11-30T18:32:00.001-08:00

OK - - it's in here

2009-11-20T09:10:00.002-08:00

I'm thinking about giving up commercial photography.

Weddings are killing my knees
I don't do enough families and seniors to really do anything
After 3+ years I've lost about 40 thousand dollars.

I'm not going to quit my utility job, it's steady work and in this economy it's stupid.

Photography is still a passion, but I miss GOING places, and seeing nature, bugs, and little things. I love little life.

Get your Kleenex out...........

2009-11-13T20:42:00.001-08:00

Dogs are wonderful.

My Parents Were Awesome

2009-11-12T03:06:00.002-08:00

I found a link to this nifty website,

My Parents Were Awesome

People send in photos of their parents, grandparents, and on into antiquity when they were young, hip and beautiful.

It's a very cool site!

I'll have to dig thru a few boxes to find one of them together, but in their day they looked pretty good!

All ticks of the 'Geological Clock' are not created equal

2009-11-11T18:06:00.001-08:00

Turn the sound up.